Networking for people who’d rather chew glass: a survival guide for the socially semi-functional

If you’re anything like me (shy, the awkward, the sweaty-palmed, and the "I-just-go-for-the-free-cheese" people) you likely think networking is the fkn worst.

The fake smiles. The “soooo, what do you do?” on repeat. The way it feels like an interview for a job you don’t even want (and certainly aren’t getting paid for). And yet, my boss won’t get off my ass about the fact that it’s kinda essential.

And I hate to admit, but he’s kinda right. Because your work alone won’t always speak for you. Sometimes your next opportunity is hiding behind a lukewarm Pinot at an awkward event in a dusty hotel lobby.

So, if you're someone who:

• Avoids eye contact like it’s radioactive,

• Rehearses your name before saying it out loud,

• Forgets your entire professional identity when asked a basic question,

This one’s for you.

Let’s start here: the problem isn’t you – it’s the Networking Industrial Complex™.

You are not a weird little freak for hating it. Networking often feels fake because it is… duh. Well, at least in the way we’ve been taught to do it. It’s transactional. It's stiff. It makes you feel like a desperate contestant on a reality show where the prize is… maybe a coffee chat? Sick.

Reframing is your friend here. Instead of thinking of networking as "impressing someone," think of it as finding your people. Even just one.

So, let’s break it down into practical, introvert friendly moves:

1. Prep like you're prepping for a hostage negotiation (but gentler). A few conversation starters in your back pocket can be lifesaving. Try:

• “Have you been to this kind of event before?”

• "Working on anything interesting at the moment?"

• “What’s the most random thing that happened to you at work this week?”

• “Is this the kind of thing where we pretend we don’t care about LinkedIn followers?”

2. Forget the crowd—just talk to one person. Find a fellow wallflower. Talk to someone at the snack table. You're not trying to work the room, you’re trying to survive the room. One good convo > 12 business cards you’ll never look at again.

3. Have an exit strategy. This is the one I need the most, because there’s absolutely nothing worse than being stuck with awkward glances and half sentences. It’s okay to leave a conversation. Seriously. Try:

• “I’m going to grab a drink/refill, but I loved chatting with you.”

• “Going to float around and be socially acceptable. Hope we run into each other again.”

Boom. Done. Easy.

4. Your "About Me" doesn’t have to be a TED Talk. If someone asks what you do, keep it simple and punchy. One sentence. Two max. No jargon. No job title fluff. Just a human explanation:

“I help companies make their marketing feel less like a root canal.”

Or “I write things that (hopefully) don’t make people want to cry.”

5. Online networking counts, too. If in-person events make your stomach implode, LinkedIn, Slack groups, newsletters, and even DMs are valid ways to build your network. Comment on someone’s work. Share something thoughtful. Slide into inboxes, respectfully.

What to remember when you’re internally screaming mid-conversation:

• You don’t have to be charming. You just have to be present.

• Listening is just as powerful as talking. People love to talk about themselves. Let them.

• Most people are also a little nervous. Even the ones with shiny shoes and extrovert face.

If it goes badly? That’s a story. You win either way.

Look, you don’t have to be the life of the party. You just have to show up.

Networking doesn’t have to feel like a gladiator sport. You’re not here to perform. You’re here to connect, even awkwardly. Especially awkwardly. Because that’s where the real humans live.

Next time you feel the dread creeping in, remember you’re not alone. You’re in a room full of people just trying to get through it. You got this. And if you don’t… well, there’s always cheese.

-Sophie Randell, Writer